Interview with an Octopus by T Newfields


Willy is a slick, grey octopus in the Persian Gulf. Born in an abandoned tanker three years after the First Gulf War, he roams the murky waters between Oman and Kuwait. Now a patriarch by cephalopod standards, most of the time he sulks looking for food or protecting his turf. This interview was conducted near the bilge tank of a sunken warship off the Strait of Hormuz shortly after Willy finished devouring some small fries. The interview was cut short when Willy caught sight of an intruder.

Q: So how's life these days?
A: Well, I'm still alive. A shark nearly swallowed me yesterday, but I managed to slide between some cracks.
Q: Lucky bugger! It helps to be flexible, eh?
A: Hey – this is no civilized fish bowl. It is a real jungle down here. Unless you're willing to become sushi, you've gotta do whatever iz necessary ta survive.
Q: But what about ethical values? Don't you worry about the moral climate below the waters?
A: Are you trying to bait me?
Q: No. I'm just deeply concerned about the lack of ethics all around us.
A: That's easy for jerks like you with food in their bellies to say. When you're really hungry yer concerns may change. Try going without food for three days & see how yer ethics shift.
Q: What's your secret of survival, Willy?
A: Survivors don’t tell secrets – only fools have big lips. If you really want to survive, don't remind people of the little secrets they prefer to ignore. Also, learn to blend in – you've gotta change colors quickly. And ah . . . (hestitant) . . . ah nothing.
Q: So how do you feel about duh future?
A: Well, ah, umm . . . None of us can escape the food chain, but we can celebrate our time with élan. The business ah survival is seldom clean.
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